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Message Board - straight talk - Straight Talk

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Date Posted

I Need A Mentor!

I would like to pick your brain on things that you do as the Pastor's Wife, gain greater insight and wisdom on how I can improve....

Church Size: 150
History: 8 years of existence
Congregation Average Age: 25 - 50
Youth Size: 95
Building: Rented
Pastor: Some College Experience

SHC2012

3/22/2012 3:57:22 AM (PST)

Re: I Need A Mentor!

In what areas would you like mentoring in? It might be good for you to send one question at a time, this will give you an opportunity to hear from many mentors who visit the message board. Looking forward to hearing from you.

vancover

4/12/2012 3:03:20 PM (PST)

Pastor's Wife and the Minister's Wives in Church

I am in need of suggestions on how to build relationships and develop the minister's wives of our local church. They are a carnal group of women but their spouses seemingly love God. Various ages from 25 - 45. Small group of about 10 ladies. How do I mentor them as I am growing and developing also as a Pastors Wife of 8 years?

SHC2012

3/22/2012 3:51:27 AM (PST)

Re: Pastor's Wife and the Minister's Wives in Church

Invite them out to eat. The church can pay for it, or they can be given a copy of the menu, with a note saying we will all be responsible for our meals and movie, if you choose to add that feature.
Another idea is to recommend a book for all of you to read and then you get together to discuss it. Have a different lady volunteer to facilitate, and get together maybe 3 times a year, or more often if your schedule can handle it.
There is a recommended book in the book club on this web site, that you might want to try.
Everyone might not get involved, just move forward with the ladies who are interested.
These are all suggestions. Do what works for you, there is no set formula. . God Bless.

vancover

4/12/2012 3:26:45 PM (PST)

Difficult Church Member

My husband & I have started our first church plant. We are not new to ministry but we are new to senior ministry. We have a deacon and wife that joined us primarily because we have a past friendship with the deacon. However, he had gotten married since we had really been around him. We did not truly know his wife but after getting to know her we wish we could turn back time. With all that said here is my burden...

The wife who I will refer to as DD, came to our home the second day we moved to the area. She didn't come to help but to ask questions. At the time I didn't realize what was really going on. In the following few months she took great interest in getting to know me. She seems to always be looking for a position or a title in the church.

In Feb we had a big disbute over a Valentine's Banquet that our church hosted. She complained that I micro-managed her. As the conversation continued she finally revealed that I had made a comment about my mother-in-law that she was shocked and surprised that I, as a pastor's wife would make such a comment. There was no offensive comment made she was just offended that I would complain about my mother-in-law. (I realized at that moment that she could not be a part of my inner circle that I could 'vent' to...infact now I know that I really cannot have that circle in my church...so I'm glad that I have found this website)

Since Feb things continue to get worse. I am at a place that I wish they would just move on to another church. She constantly disrespects me. She makes it apparent that she thinks she is more spiritual, above me.

She makes remarks, rolls her eyes. Others in our church sees it as well. I have never dealt with anyone like this. It has troubled me for months now. It's something that weighs on my heart heavy. I don't want the discord. I love our church, I love everything about our new ministry except when it comes to DD. She has the ability to make me want to stay silent in her presence which I know is wrong. Lately, I've been finding myself wanting to withdraw and not be who I am when she is around....I know this is wrong.

My husband even made the comment yesterday that he has a hard time praying for her when she comes to the altar.

I feel that she has some sort of spirit for wanting to feel important attached to her. I don't know?

How do I handle this situation?

dtmoses95

3/12/2012 10:33:12 AM (PST)

Re: Difficult Church Member

Always remember the order that God has set for the church. Remember that you and your husband are placed as the head of your ministry. God first, your husband, then you and your church under you.

Do NOT allow this spirit of take over and intimidation, destroy the work God has set before you and your husband. Take authority over that spirit in Jesus' Name because if you don't the enemy will destroy your ministry. Rely on the Holy Spirit to give you strength, but your husband and you must do what you need to. Lay aside the thought that you both were friends with the deacon. When it comes to God's business, it's just that, and we must take God's work seriously.

There may be more than 1 approach to take with this situation. Your husband being the Pastor and the head, should be the one who makes this final decision. But he can speak with "DD" in the presence of her husband (deacon) and address what has been going on, and what will NOT be allowed at your church. After informing our husbands first, as 1st ladies we have a place in the church beside our husband and this place allows us to help keep things balanced and in order in the church. As the 1st lady, you can speak with the ladies in your church when they are out of line, to let them know what will not be accepted in that house. That is totally in line, especially when you have your husband's permission to do so first. This must be addressed, it will not go away until you eradicate it from the root. Don't allow it to fester any longer because that spirit will spread in your church to the other ladies and congregation as a whole. Go in God's strength and wisdom and deal with this issue right away.

tflfirstlady

3/18/2012 7:10:04 PM (PST)

Marriage

Please pray for me I only be marry for 5 months, I have been with my hubsand for 9 years, but we live separate home until we got marry, I recent found so DVD of him cheating, before we got marry. I have a good loving hubsand, I am asking God to allow me to get past this issue, I am hurting so much inside. Please pray fo rme that God restores and heals my heart, because I want this marriage to work. I am asking God to help me be a God wife and allow my hubsand be the head of the household. God please allow me to understand marriage and my place in this relationship.

jupiter2011

1/2/2012 3:37:56 PM (PST)

Re: Marriage

you will be in my prayers, seek guidance in the word, it always helps me

with Love your sister in Christ

Love1987

1/3/2012 8:20:42 PM (PST)

Need Wisdom

I am a up coming 25 year old. Having my 1st baby next month. Move to a diff counrty to support my husband minstry. No family , dont know the lang. Dont work anywhere and everyday is a blah!!!!! Of coruse my husband is busy with the ministry so that means I am by myslef half of the day , and then when he gets home is really to relax and not deal extra stuff. However in we all know in ministry there is really no time off. So here I am cant talk to anyone , having a baby , with no one to realate and feeling like a made the BIGGEST mistake of my life. Even going to church is bad b/c I DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!!!! I have talked this over withmy husband and he said that I could go back , but then he will have to chose marriage over minstry. He is not a bad person i just think that we should have thought about this more or waited b/c he just let me know that he wants to be more foucs in the ministry right when this baby is coming!!!! i love my husband that i do , however i just want to leave!!!! i feel like everyday my life is leaving me... What to do?

Love&Waters

12/15/2011 9:10:13 AM (PST)

Re: Need Wisdom

Since you have already spoken to your husband and he is saying you need to go back, maybe he did not quite understand you totally. Try writing him about the seriousness of this situation for you, and then ask him could you then talk again after he reads your letter. Also consider developing relationships with individuals in the ministry or through social community programs. You can also find a contact in the Safe Place on this web site. I trust these suggestions helps. Also know that I will pray for you.

vancover

1/7/2012 1:15:34 PM (PST)

Re: Need Wisdom

Dear Need Wisdom, I know that it's been awhile since your post and I hope and pray that things are better for you emotionally. Ministry can be such a lonely place for pastor's wives sometimes because people feel like we have the best life ever. In actuality, just because our husbands preach the word does not mean that the word is so easily applied privately. I know first hand how you feel because my husband and I moved 1,000 miles away from my family to a small city 12 yrs. ago to plant a min. For 7 long yrs. I prayed and begged God for a friend that I could just fellowship as Friend Girls not so much "Church Friend Girls", you know? Finally I had to learn that God wanted to teach me how to find my complete joy and contentment in Him alone. To this day, all of my real friends are still out of state. So I want to encourage you to take care of that baby and tap into your passion for living. Whatever your passions are start a movement for Christ (as long as it doesn't conflict with you being wife 1st mommy 2nd) I am a teacher by nature so that's what i do professionally, but outside of that,I mentor youth. Get busy living Sister! What is it that you can do with your time that will also bring glory to God? I love you and will be praying for you and your husband.

gottahavepeace

2/10/2012 8:23:47 AM (PST)

Christmas Holiday Parties

How do you decide which Christmas party to attend without offending someone. We have five parties to attend on Saturday. We are attempting to make appearances to all. But, this may be impossible and tiring.

danielle@arborquestinc.com

12/15/2011 3:30:55 AM (PST)

Re: Christmas Holiday Parties

I realize that you did not get a response before Christmas, but I wanted to respond anyway, because the principle of priorities apply year round. Your Biblical priorities to the Lord, your family takes precedence over your duties at the church, because your family is your ministry and your church that God holds you responsible for first. 1 tim 2:5. God bless you. Stay strong.

vancover

1/7/2012 1:25:09 PM (PST)

Re: Christmas Holiday Parties

vancover

1/7/2012 1:25:32 PM (PST)

New Women's Ministry

I am in the process of organizing a Women's Ministry at my church. Requesting your prayers and any helpful advice you can give.

fygfirstlady

10/18/2011 10:00:37 AM (PST)

Re: New Women's Ministry

My prayers are with you my sister. One suggestion that has been helpful in our church is splitting our women's ministry into age appropriate groups. We have 13-18, 19-35, 35-55, & 55+. We also meet once a quarter as an entire group. There are leaders over each group and we plan outings that are age and lifestyle appropriate. For example, the teens went for ice cream, young adults went bowling and out to dinner, adults went to a museum and seniors went went to nursing home to volunteer. We try to make sure that each group does one service project and has at least one outing quarterly with the hope that it will grow to monthly. I serve as the leader over the young adult women. I enjoy our fellowship and we talk about careers, raising young kids, getting married etc. We open with prayer and close with prayer and it is just a safe place for women to come and talk and relax. If you want to talk in detail email me at ladydbaldwin@gmail.com

mrsrevb

11/23/2011 8:56:31 AM (PST)

We're in BIG trouble!

Ladies for the past 5 mos. my husband and I have been on a marital decline, which was totally preventable. When I first noticed that things were "different" between us, I wrote my husband a letter. For days I got no response. Finally the silence was killing me so I went to him to talk, and he kind of looked at me like I was speaking an unknown language while shaking his head and saying things are not that bad between us. I've watched him Sunday after Sunday give people his undivided attention thru conversations and prayer. But at home, watching T.V. is his god. Now fast forward; we haven't slept in the same bed together since June 2011, and this Sunday after I finished leading worship, he sent me a note saying that today he would be announcing to the church will be closed for the month of OCTOBER! WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON? I have supported this man thru Seminary and so much more sometimes leaving my own dreams behind. We just purchased our first home together, and I just don't know what to do. Even today with ALL that is going on between us, he took a member to the VA hospital 2 hrs away, but yet I can't get him to even pick up the phone and call me during the day. I don't want to hate him, but he is so unlikeable.
My daily prayer is that God will take these feelings that I have for him away from me.

gottahavepeace

9/27/2011 11:38:24 AM (PST)

Re: We're in BIG trouble!

Prayer still works.
Remember your vow to the Lord and to your husband. Put pride aside and declare that your marriage is going to work. Your main objective is to bring glory to God. Take the blame and do what ever it takes. You are your husband's covering. When he fails, you failed...all the best....

fygfirstlady

10/18/2011 10:14:50 AM (PST)

Re: Re: We're in BIG trouble!

Sisters thank you so much for responding to my post. Today is a very rough day for me emotionally because I'm so tired of feeling unloved by my husband. If I don't initiate a conversation with him, he simply won't talk to me. Everyday, I force myself to leave him alone because the rejection and silence is so painful; it is literally torture to me. He would rather sit and watch a movie with me in complete silence than have a conversation with me about ANYTHING.
We used to be so close and loving towards one another, but now I feel like my best friend has kicked me to the curb. I keep trying to figure out what happened and I've come to the conclusion that either his mom is filling his head with garbage or my husband has walked away from the Lord. I pray for him daily, written him thousand of letters and try to talk to him, but I get nothing. I don't know how to leave, but I'm not whole emotionally or spiritually and I don't want to continue giving our daughter the WRONG impression about marriage.

gottahavepeace

12/15/2011 9:06:51 AM (PST)

Re: We're in BIG trouble!

Unfortunately all marriages go thru ups and downs and marriages to a pastor are no different. We have been really high and really low. I suggest that you try to get counseling for yourself and always be submissive and open for reconciliation. I am telling you from experience, it is better to forgive and try to heal than to build resentment in your heart. Yes, he make work your last nerve at times, but as long as you love him, he loves you and you both love Christ it will all work out.

mrsrevb

11/23/2011 8:42:09 AM (PST)

Need Feedback ASAP

My husband canceled bible study for two weeks because of work that he is doing at the church. One of the members of the church asked me if she could come over my house so that we could study the bible together. I said yes but since I had planned to visit one of the saints who was ill, we decided to do the bible study there instead. I mentioned this to my husband last night and he became very upset and told me that if I went ahead and did that, he would sit me down because he had already cancelled bible study. I cannot see what i am doing wrong so any feedback would be appreciated.

firstladyp1

8/31/2011 5:38:44 AM (PST)

Re: Need Feedback ASAP

You Should have talked to your husband frist. you over-setped men. I'm sure you did not mean to.Go to him and say I'm sorry I was out of order.O And REPENT to GOD!!!!!

1st lady Yvonne

9/12/2011 7:54:42 PM (PST)

Re: Need Feedback ASAP

You Should have talked to your husband frist. you over-setped Him. I'm sure you did not mean to.Go to him and say I'm sorry I was out of order.O And REPENT to GOD!!!!!

1st lady Yvonne

9/12/2011 8:06:34 PM (PST)

My Husband in spiritual decline and does not recognize it

I just realized I posted my message under the wrong person. I apologize for that.

My post is below:

I am so hesistant even as I write this but I believe God led me to this website. I have been praying about this situation for 8 years now.

My husband and I founded a church 12 years ago. In the first four years God moved in such a powerful way that the church grew both physically and spiritual. The church was founded in prayer, fasting, and the study of God's word. But presently things has changed.

A spirit of jealousy arose in my husband because I was called to minister at other churches more than he. He would not even come to support me although I was always faithful to support him whereever he went. He eventually stopped me from preaching and teaching at our church because he felt that it was only his job to do.

My husband is still a wonderful man and he loves the Lord but I'm afraid that he has backsliden in his heart. He watches the TV at home for hours, he hardly prays or study the word at all. The messages at the church are the same messages he's been preaching for the past 8 years. The church's spiritual condition has declined immensely as well.

I cannot speak to my husband because he does not listen to me. Just like the sister who wrote about her Narcissist Husband/Pastor, he thinks he is always right and no one could tell him what to do. I can't stand sitting at the pew and hearing him teach and preach the same dry messages that has no annoiting or power especially because I know I can help in this area.

I don't know what I should do since he does not like to speak to me at all regarding anything to do with the church even if it is for the church's benefit. I feel like I am dying in my own church but the worst part is that the church members are dying as well and as much as I want to help them, I'm not allowed to.

firstladyp1

8/31/2011 5:18:50 AM (PST)

My Husband is in a Spiritual Decline and does not recognize it

Hmmm...I am so hesistant even as I write this but I believe God led me to this website. I have been praying about this situation for 8 years now.

My husband and I founded a church 12 years ago. In the first four years God moved in such a powerful way that the church grew both physically and spiritual. The church was founded in prayer, fasting, and the study of God's word. But presently things has changed.

A spirit of jealousy arose in my husband because I was called to minister at other churches more than he. He would not even come to support me although I was always faithful to support him whereever he went. He eventually stopped me from preaching and teaching at our church because he felt that it was only his job to do.

My husband is still a wonderful man and he loves the Lord but I'm afraid that he has backsliden in his heart. He watches the TV at home for hours, he hardly prays or study the word at all. The messages at the church are the same messages he's been preaching for the past 8 years. The church's spiritual condition has declined immensely as well.

I cannot speak to my husband because he does not listen to me. Just like the sister who wrote about her Narcissist Husband/Pastor, he thinks he is always right and no one could tell him what to do. I can't stand sitting at the pew and hearing him teach and preach the same dry messages that has no annoiting or power especially because I know I can help in this area.

I don't know what I should do since he does not like to speak to me at all regarding anything to do with the church even if it is for the church's benefit. I feel like I am dying in my own church but the worst part is that the church members are dying as well and as much as I want to help them, I'm not allowed to.

tflfirstlady

8/25/2011 7:49:53 AM (PST)

What do you do in a sexless marriage?

I am in a non-physical marriage and still feel like a young vibrant woman in my late 40's. My husband seems to have a hard time even discussing our physical relationship. I know God answers prayer, but I really am miserable in my marriage. I have been married for over 25 years. Does anyone have any real advice for me? It's been about six months now.

masteriseeu

7/25/2011 8:31:35 AM (PST)

Re: What do you do in a sexless marriage?

My sister this could be a medical situation, and men generally delay or do not visit with Doctors about their specific situation. Maybe you can encourage him to be specific with the doctor. If he is a diabetic then there are physical limitations that can be rectified. If it is spiritual or emotional, then your husband needs to be encouraged to seek out counseling. There is s counselor guide on www.loisevans.org that has recommended counselor in your area or states in the surrounding area.
Know that you and your husband are in my prayers.

vancover

8/2/2011 1:32:48 PM (PST)

2011 First Ladies Conference

Greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior! I do pray everyone's doing well today. I am posting to make sure that all ladies that visit the site attend the conference. I've been attending since 2007 and when I tell you it will mend a broken heart, WOW!! ... To interact with other pastor wives, some that have been broken, some that are still going through and others just beginning. Words cannot express the bond that forms at the conference. Whether your ministry and marriage or perfect or not, this conference is a wonderful place to start for a word specifically designed for the pastor's wife. So, if you get your nails and hair done, save that money and prepare yourself for a time in the Lord. October 3-7th. I always come down on the 5th and stay until the Saturday. You don't want to miss it! I enjoy meeting new ladies and staying in touch. Hope you can make it!! ... Stay Blessed ...

rocsings

7/11/2011 12:16:33 PM (PST)

Re: 2011 First Ladies Conference

I have been to the conference many times, you are right it is the Safe place for all Pastor's wives. It is a blessing. I have been trained, encouraged and have had the opportunity to network with ladies from all over the world.
I invite everyone who reads this to come this year. Your life will be changed. Register today.

vancover

8/2/2011 1:40:42 PM (PST)

Soon to be a Bishops Wife and need Guidance

Hello Ladies im so happy to have found this website, my fiance is a Bishop we have an amazing love and relationship, but there are alot of things that are new to me in the church world. I did not grow up in a church as he did and im just nervous about entering into this world that I have no idea what it requires.I believe in always staying true to who iam however i want to make sure that i support and compliment my partner well.I do not have the slightest clue on what it takes to be a wife or a first lady. I just seek wisdom and guidance from you all because im about to take a step that will change my life. please respond telling me anything you think i should know

Love1987

6/28/2011 2:49:05 PM (PST)

Re: Soon to be a Bishops Wife and need Guidance

WOW, what a blessing to be getting married. Sis, just be yourself and keep God first in your life. Your husband will benefit from your relationship with the Lord. Study your bible regularly and lean on your husband and the Lord for guidance. It was in God's plan to place you right where you are and I believe you will be just fine. Stay true to how you are, don't let anyone take you out of your character and I promise God and your husband's love will lead and guide you every step of the way. God bless!!

rocsings

7/11/2011 12:07:34 PM (PST)

AFFAIR REPAIR BOOK

As a Pastor's wife, I want to share the book my husband and I wrote (Affair Repair: David & Lisa King) addressing what has happened in many Christian marriages. I too have experienced the betrayal of adultery by my husband. It happened early in our marriage and we had little children at the time. It devastated me so much that I sought revenge that caused me to have a criminal record. After counseling and walking by faith our marriage was restored and this week we will celebrate our 25th Anniversary! The book was written from both of our perspectives separately and then jointly, to help marriages be healed & restored. www.affairrepairbook.com

affairrepair

6/19/2011 10:23:24 PM (PST)

Better job and the church to grow

My dear sisters. I believe that we serve a living God as we are sons and duaghters of the most High. My request is that I believe God in providing me with a better job so that I can provide for my family as a mother of seven kids. I believe in due time God will grant me the job that is suitable for me. I also believe God in the growth of the church that He has put us in, me and my husband. We also ask God for His direction and guidance in every decision we make. Stay blessed. Love you all and may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ abide in us till He comes back.

Thabita

6/3/2011 4:42:23 AM (PST)

Prayers for My Sister-The Wife of the Narcissist Pastor

First I want to begin by speaking words of life and love into your current situation. I believe that we as Pastor's wives have all had times when we have somewhat felt the way that you are feeling right now. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and it is not until the last couple of years that my husband has really recognized that we are in partnership not only in marriage but in ministry. I have found that many pastors do not recognize and utilize the asset that they have in (us) in the church and in ministry. God has placed us together to help each other especially as it relates to Kingdom Building. Sister I am speaking from experience when I say that I prayed for my husband....I prayed that God would remove his conceited spirit and open his eyes to see that he is wrong and I prayed that God would show me the way to talk and reach my husband in the right way. God's power to change us, mold us, make us into vessels to edify him can take place. I will be praying for you and you continue to keep your hand in God's hand. Don't allow your flesh to get weak. Continue to Pray for Your Husband!!!!!

tflfirstlady

5/4/2011 12:52:08 PM (PST)

Re: Prayers for My Sister-The Wife of the Narcissist Pastor

Thank you my sister for your kind words. It really helps to have someone like yourself, who has been where I am, offer encouragement and prayer in my time of need. I've been praying and I see God working on him one piece at a time and I am so greatful. We still have a ways to go but I am encouraged and I trust the Lord will see us through. Each day God is showing me more about the woman I am and what I mean to him and to our ministry. And for that alone, I will keep one foot in front of the other and my head held high for I know who and whose I am.

Be Blessed!

sxp1052

5/24/2011 2:44:16 PM (PST)

My Husband: The Narcissist Pastor

Please help! I love my husband with all I have in me and I believe in the vision GOD has placed unpon him regarding our ministry and church we just opened 6 months ago. however, as the days go by I am noticing a person emerging in him that may not only hinder the spiritual growth of the church but our marriage. I am starting to become witness to this haughty, arrogant and grandiose man who is becoming very difficult to deal with. He never accepts his mistakes and refuses to make any adjustments, because everything he does is always right, as he believes he is never wrong. Living with a person like this, defeats the purpose of a partnership. His attitude defines callousness and he lives in a world of his own, where the mantra is 'it's my way or the highway'. At times he makes me feel that I cannot make important decisions and know God's will without him. He acts as if he knows everything, but he really doesn't know how to handle problems he has caused. I just keep praying and asking GOD to show me how to continue to love and support my husband. It is so frustrating at times. He denouces any idea that is not hyper-linked to him. If an idea does not put him in the spot light or doesn't give him credit, its a no or 1,000 reason why it can't be done. But then he will develop something similar and the 1,000 barriers suddenly disappears and gives way for him. At times it feels like me and our church leaders are being dictated and controlled. He gets very defensive should anyone try to question or disagree with him. Another issue I see is that because he and our pastors relationship went sour when we broke off to start our own church, he now has no one around as a mentor to guide him and hold him accountable to his actions. I keep praying that GOD will send us such a person. Until then, I will continue to pray and stay faithful to GODs word.

sxp1052

3/10/2011 1:32:03 PM (PST)

hello ladies, I am id diar need of help. on raising money and getting donations for our church building. we are a small church in the heart of oak cliff . located on 1438 south denley drive. dallas tx. 75216. raguards. melanie

honeyman3

3/8/2011 6:51:05 AM (PST)

Re: hello ladies, I am id diar need of help. on raising money and getting donations for our church building. we are a small church in the heart of oak cliff . located on 1438 south denley drive. dallas tx. 75216. raguards. melanie

Check out GivingRocket.com. They are awesome and have great ideas and resources.

tflfirstlady

7/12/2011 2:46:20 PM (PST)

New

I'm happy to have found this site. I pray that the Lord would use this to help me as I walk alongside my husband in ministry.

Fruitfulvine2

3/4/2011 10:27:21 AM (PST)

how do you set borders, establish rules as a pastors wife starting a new church

Heart to Heart - Prayer Requests / Church
From: jeka0322
Date: 1/31/2011 5:23:44 PM (PST)
Title: My Role as a Pastor's Wife

my husband and i are in the process of leaving a fellowship in which he is greatly involved in and our current church in which he is one of the pastors, to start a new church.
through out those years of ministry , i've discoverered that most women want to relate with my husband only. i tried several times to relate with them but it was turned down. and a lot of this people once they are aware of the new church will want to come over.
my question is, first, what boarders must be set up and what rules must we establish to help us better in ministry( sometimes it looks like my husband is out there , concerned about every other person and he has nothing left for me ).
secondly, apart from praying for your husband, what role does a pastor's wife play in a new church. god bless you.

jeka0322

2/1/2011 7:01:57 PM (PST)

Re: how do you set borders, establish rules as a pastors wife starting a new church

Dear Sister, I can really feel your concerns thru your post. You asked a very good and necessary question about setting up borders. You and your husband must FIRST sit down together and be very real about HOW to deal with him ministering to women in the church.
Most Pastors will ask their wives to counsel and deal with women in the church. You must be very patient, kind and understanding with these women EVEN when you can fill in your spirit that they are up to no good. Let the word of God do the work and always end your sessions with them in prayer.However if you are not available here are some boundaries guidelines that may help you and your hubby:
If he counsels women in his office/study, leave doors open for easy access for secretary.
Counseling in isolated, intimate environments is OUT! No meetings over lunch or dinner with females WITHOUT another male in ministry present.
Have a DEFINITE cut off time for ministry.
In other words try not to bring work home with you as far as phone counseling etc.
As far as the phone goes it is very important for your husband to establish ground rules professionally. Women should NEVER call his personal cell phone or text him. In some women's minds, this could lead to an intimate relationship that they think is reserved only for them. If your husband is going to be in full time ministry, he needs to have all calls come to him thru the ministry phone number where a secretary can find out the nature of the call BEFORE passing it on to him.
ACCOUNTABILITY AND INTEGRITY IS A MUST.
Lastly, don't worry or stress because God loves you and He knows the desires of your heart. Continue to develop a close, intimate relationship with the Lord as an individual and then collectively with hubby.

gottahavepeace

3/4/2011 8:36:49 AM (PST)

HYGIENE PROBLEMS!!!

I wish that this wasn't an issue, but it really is. My husband of 19 yrs. who I love very much constantly works my nerves with thru his lack of hygiene. I am soooooooo tires of asking him to do things that a grown, adult person should already know to do! I have witnessed people in church and other places steer clear from him because of this "chosen problem". Out of love, I have given him advice even telling him how attractive he is to me when he takes care of his body, but he still thinks that it's cool to skimp on hygiene and making himself presentable. Sometimes I am so ashamed and embarrassed to be his partner in ministry. Honestly the stinch is so bad at times that I find him totally repulsive.
Keep it real sisters: Am I all by myself or does ANYONE out there have this problem?
How do I live peaceably with someone who grosses me out and makes me so angry because I know he chooses to live this way?

gottahavepeace

1/27/2011 8:17:56 AM (PST)

Re: HYGIENE PROBLEMS!!!

Some ladies may not agree with this, but I suggest treating him like a child. Pick out his clothes. Help him in the shower and ask daily did he put on deodorant. I know it may sound crazy, but in my opinion it is better than the alternative.

mrsrevb

2/10/2011 3:03:55 PM (PST)

Direction

Hi all! I hope I am posting in the right spot. New to the site, but oh boy, do I need some encouragement...

I married my husband who was in ministry and had no idea the weight of being a PW. So many expectations and demands... I was younger than the senior pastor's wife who didn't take me on and mentor me as I hoped. We were two different personalities. Yet, I was often compared to her by the other women in the church. She was in her late 60s while I was in my mid-twenties... different seasons of our lives... I worked, she stayed at home. I had kids, she has grandkids!

The church split. The senior pastors were doing some things that we questioned... misappropriating funds, etc. They left and basically bad-mouthed us all around town. It was nasty. I hoped that members would know my husband and I had better character than that -what they sd we did.

So, where are we now? New elders were set in. Things going ok... I go to a Priscilla S. Conference and boy, am I on fire. I feel like I am coming out of a depression...and really press into God. God speaks to me! Again! I begin to share it in the church and am shut down... not by my husband but others... in leadership.

Well, it just gets worse. I am blasted in the front of the sanctuary by leader and an Elder stands by and watches? Much to do, elders call the guy who verbally attacks me, I have to seek out the Elders...then am dismissed. I point out a lie from the guy who blasts me, and an Elder justifies it and then later tells my husband they will write me up for interrupting people? Have you heard of such?

I am angry and hurt. I feel disrespected and alone. Unprotected by the elders when my man is doing other church things...and no one to step up. Am I being ridiculous? And how do you justify a lie? Well this elder says, we all lie... we say we start sunday school at 930, but we don't always do that! Really? Is that even a justification?

Help me. I am anxious. We feel it is time to resign... My husband cannot lead a church where I am not respected, therefore he is not respected. It is a risk, but it would be a risk to stay there... life is hard in ministry.

Is there anyone here who have had similar experiences that can help/encourage? I love Jesus. We want to stay in the ministry but feel we may need to take time for emotional/spiritual healing from the past abuse from leadership...

Insights my fellow sisters? God bless you, and thank you for standing by your man!

ESTHER4_14

1/18/2011 6:38:52 PM (PST)

Greetings!

Good morning Ladies, Similar to a few of the post I've read, I am new to the site and a newly appointed pastor's wife.
My husband was searching for information to aid me in being spiritulally fed so he stumbled upon this inspiring, encouraging site. Not fully realizing what it entailed, he forwarded to me and here I am. I am grateful for this forum and the opportunity to network with women who face some of the same challenges, obstacles and victories.
I posted my original message in someone's box by accident because I had no idea how it all worked, initially, so I'll share that message again.
I menitoned that I had read something in my daily word that fed my soul and I thought it was worth sharing:

“His…power has given us everything we need for life.” 2Peter 1:3

Here are three rules for living: (1) Learn to control the climate around you. Negativity is contagious; look out for its “carriers.” Love them, lift them, but don’t let them infect you. Filter what people say to you through God’s Word. “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power (ability and a can-do attitude) and of love (which always looks for the best) and of a sound mind(which is stable and consistent)” (2Tim 1:7). (2) Learn to laugh at yourself. A woman who’d been given a lovely plant took it home, watered it, fertilized it and set it in the sun. A year later she discovered it was silk-and she still laughs about it. When you’re secure in God’s love and approval you can laugh at yourself; it’s a mark of spiritual maturity. (3) Learn to factor God in. Ever hear of the 90/10 rule? When 90% of the circumstances are uncontrollable, focus on the 10% you can do something about. Paul did that. “We were troubled on every side; without were fighting’s, within were fears. Nevertheless, God” (2Cor 7:5-6). Note the words, “Nevertheless God.” When you’re facing a mountain always remember: God can move it, He can level it, He can tunnel through it, or He can help you climb it. All you have to do is factor Him in by seeking His face and consulting His Word. “Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise’ (See Col 3:16) Keep a rich deposit of Scripture within you and draw on it daily.

I continue to grow daily because I am truly a work in progess.
God Bless!

wiredtoserve

1/13/2011 7:20:30 AM (PST)

Test Of Faith

For years I have been dealing with family members, asking for help, and than when I help them, they still talk about me. My faith has been tested again, over a year ago, I had to move my dad in with me, because he was having a hard time and was very ill. I also had a teenage daughter living at home, that was out of control. She was a frequent run away. My dad passed August 2, 2010 and had nothing but enough insurance to bury him. Family members think I received a lot of money, but my dad made me promise not to give them a dime, and said they know why. I married a very nice man on August 28, 2010 and he is the Senior Pastor of our Church. My young daughter had a baby and now I am dealing with CPS, I have custody of her, and my daughter now lives with her dad. Certain family members told CPS I was a evil person, but CPS figured out they were not telling the truth. My sisters and I have not spoken since my father's funeral and now they want to talk. My husband doesn't want them at our home. I feel that they have not change. Is it wrong of me not to want to deal with them anymore, after all the horrible things they have done. Am I walking in the way that God wants me to walk, if I just ignore them and pray that they go away. I believe that turning the other cheek will be more painful than the first. I know I am the first lady and they are looking at that, but I am also, thier flesh and blood. How do I forgive?

tflfirstlady

12/30/2010 1:03:05 PM (PST)

Re: Test Of Faith

Dear Sis, first of all let me say that I am so sorry that you lost your dad especially while dealing with the so much hatred. I am an abstinence mentor so I know the impact that teenage pregnancies have on the family.
First and foremost, you and your husband need to have a long, serious conversation on what is best for the two of you. You all are still newly weds and in ministry which is a very hefty combination all by itself. With him being your spiritual covering, how does HE feel about all of this and what are HIS suggestions? Next pray with him for God's divine will to rest on your hearts and minds BEFORE making any decisions regarding your sisters/family members. If you do decide to meet to talk with them DON'T do it at your home. Choose a neutral local place like a bookstore, restaurant, etc. Now regarding your daughter, there are some issues there that have not been dealt with between the two of you and she is acting out to either show you how hurt she is OR to get your attention. Spiritual, Christian counseling and mentoring is a must and when it's all said and done, YOU might have some apologizing to do.
Love you and will be praying for you.

gottahavepeace

1/27/2011 8:50:52 AM (PST)

How do you survive an affair?

I guess the title says it all. It's been 4 years since I found out that my husband had an affair. I was devastated. Everything I thought was real in our marriage... wasn't. Since then, we have done joint and individual counseling. My husband deals with sexual addiction (including pornography) and insecurity issues stemming from childhood.

I wish I could say that things have turned completely around since the affair and that our marriage is wonderful. Unfortunately, I can't. Since the affair, there have been text messages from other women on his phone, late night 'dinner' meetings with women that are attracted to him or vice versa. The constant indulging in the addiction to pornography has never stopped. On top of all that, he still talks on the phone to the one he had the affair with.

He constantly puts himself in a position to 'test' the limits... to see how far someones flirting will go. He says he knows it's wrong and that I don't deserve to go through all this but it's like he can't (and doesn't want) to stop.

I go to church and constantly hear how wonderful my husband is as a pastor, preacher, teacher, counselor... the list goes on and on. He is a wonderful person. He's just not a good husband.

My heart is heavy. I'm tired of the infidelity and overall lack of faithfulness and commitment. I admit that I have thought about having an affair myself. Will I? No, but I certainly have thought about it. Other men see me as more attractive than my own husband does.

I feel lonely, sad, hurt and scared to move forward. Every forward step I take it seems that I find something new that he has done. I can't take any more.

So, my sisters, any advice?

heavyheart423

12/28/2010 12:43:13 PM (PST)

Re: How do you survive an affair?

Oh my sister, I pray that God touch you right now and remove the hurt and pain. I know that it seems hopeless but God can plant a beautiful garden in the middle of a dry desert. Remember you haven't done anything wrong, let your husband know how you feel. Sit him down and be straight forward and let him know it is either you or the other woman. He can't have a wife at home and women in the streets. Tell him you have had enough, but don't have an affair. Don't walk in his shoes of wrong doing, be the christian person. You are the First Lady and should be treated as such, with respect and dignity especially from him. I am praying for you, only God know His plan.

tflfirstlady

12/30/2010 2:32:16 PM (PST)

Re: Re: How do you survive an affair?

Oh Sis I'm so sorry for you. I grew up with a father identical to your husband regarding affairs. As a result, several step siblings were born from various women. My mom stayed with him out of fear of starting over with 6 kids. Her decision to stary with him was not a good one for my siblings and I. WOW, this is alot to go thru, but you are NOT alone. First off, ask yourself: What am I most afraid of in my marriage? A seperation for the purpose of allowing God to work on your husband while restoring your self-esteem and peace of mind might be the best thing for you right now. It sounds like your husband has absolutely NO respect for the word of God which means he has no respect for you as well. He needs spiritual accountability by 2 or more men who will get all up in his business so that they can help him stay on track. To get what you don't have, sometimes you've got to do what you've never done. Sis STAY IN THE DIVINE WILL OF GOD and DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR. That's not the road to healing. I will be praying for you to have peace in the midst of this storm.

gottahavepeace

1/27/2011 9:43:33 AM (PST)

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