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Straight Talk:

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Two of my Outlaw-in-laws are Mega church-goers. In this church they serve in various roles and capacities from music ministry to capital stewardship ministry. They participate in Intercessory prayer and various outreach ministries which serve the needs of many in their local urban communities. Both of them and my mother-in love have many scriptures highlighted in their Bibles. Both of them and my mother-in love go to church so faithfully. Yet their behavior towards me as a wife never changes! Outwardly they seem to be ideal ‘churchgoers’. Yet when it comes to dealing others, particular the married sister’s in-laws they seem to do nothing but sow seeds of strife, bitterness and discord. Each of them behaves unmercifully towards me and sometimes towards our children. Unhealthy patterns are taking their toll on their bodies and minds as well. Several of them have some type of ailment which requires daily medication. Yet they refuse to do anything differently.

The church-going father and ALL the church-going brothers have a history of infidelity which seems to go ignored. The family also seems to ignore the porn addiction, the alcohol addiction and the recreationally use of marijuana by other siblings who go to church as well. Yet, they often attack me as a wife regarding their son/brother. They are allowed to disrespect the sanctity of marriage and my husband acts oblivious to their constant shenanigans. They claim they love ‘their son/brother’ so much but they don’t understand loving within limits. I really think its high time for my husband to awake out of sleep and tell each of them including his mother THANKS but not thanks to your ungodly advice! I also believe we have been married long enough for him to say ‘my wife does me good and not evil all the days of my life.’ Instead of communicating the commitment of our relationship openly to his family he seems to act like we love each other ONLY secretly.

I will never stop loving and Trusting God but lately my feet have almost slipped and so has my tongue! I am beginning to think that my husband does not have my best interest at heart. I don’t feel covered or protected by this carnal churchgoer. And I need to know: Should I address the ungodly acts of hypocrisy in my husband and his family? Or should I just remain silent about them! Spiritually, I feel CRUSHED BY CHURCHGOERS!

Delightful Diva

3/10/2010 11:25:33 AM (PST)

Re: Crushed By Church-goer!

I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this. Have you tried talking to your mother-in law one on one, heart to heart? Maybe explaining to her how hurt you are.
do you guys go to the same church? If so & she doesn't listen to you, maybe you can set up some counseling with your pastor. Unless your husband is the pastor. Is this the case?
Does your hubby know you feel this way? If he does & he is not understanding maybe u can suggestion some couples counseling.

Ill say a prayer for u, Hope this helps

Sarah's Daughter

3/11/2010 1:03:04 PM (PST)

Introduction

Hello, I am new to this site so I just wanted to say hello to all the 1st Ladies. In 1st time advice for the site?
My husband and I founded a church 7 months ago so we are new. Looking forward to meeting some new 1st Lady friends to share with. Hope to hear from someone soon!

Sarah's Daughter

3/5/2010 10:58:48 AM (PST)

Re: Introduction

Hello there,
Welcome to straight talk! My hubby (Pastor) and I have recently relocated our church in my hometown so I guess you can say it's "fairly new" here.
What a great opportunity for evangelism wherever you and your husband are.
It's challenging, yet fulfilling. When the Lord is with you...it's all worth it!
May HE continue t be with you sis.

Much love and prayers,
First Lady Sneed - http://www.hopeministriescogic.org

1stladysneed

3/5/2010 10:14:12 PM (PST)

Working for the Lord

"Keep up the good work!" This slogan is neat to say! However keeping up the "good" work at times seems tedious like speaking of manual labor. Like a good man is hard to find a good job can be hard to discover; yet,doing a good work for the Lord is a marvelous opportunity! You may not get paid always in monentary gain, but you will get paid much more in your spiritual man. Psalm 138:8 The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

val~or

2/4/2010 8:01:03 PM (PST)

2- Way Adultery In A Marriage

If adultery has been commited by both spouses in a marriage and they can not work through the issue because of so much pain through out. Can either of them remarry?

destined4purpose

2/3/2010 6:33:10 AM (PST)

Re: 2- Way Adultery In A Marriage

That's one I'd like to know the answer to!

wngaines@fuse.net

2/16/2010 2:52:39 PM (PST)

Question

I am the one to help to bring unity in our church? My only desire for doing this, would be to help my husband limit the stress this disunity is causing in his life.

What do you think

tradedy

2/2/2010 12:33:00 PM (PST)

Question. A struggle

A struggle with judgement as a pastor's wife (acceptance vs, rejection) by the other woman in the church. How can I deal with my insecurities by overcoming them, so that I may be condifent in Christ to do the work of the ministry?

alphaand

2/2/2010 12:29:46 PM (PST)

Question

What do you think about role playing in the bedroom?

alphaand

2/2/2010 12:23:54 PM (PST)

Crush on my husband

There is a single lady who I believe has a slight crush on my husband. She laughs a little too hard at his jokes and volunteers to assist him. I've talked to him about it, and he is trying to limit his interactions with her. If she continues to go out of her way to interact with him, should I discuss this with her? If so, how do I do this lovingly?

Gouda

2/2/2010 12:05:44 PM (PST)

Re: Crush on my husband

I think you should talk to your husband again about your concerns then the two of you should pray about it together. See what he feels is the best way to deal with the situation. If you still feel she is acting inappropriately then an Elder should be included in the conversation for advise and prayer. God Bless, I will pray for you!LC

lauriesays

2/21/2010 7:56:42 PM (PST)

Re: Crush on my husband

I have learned that this will happen quite often in ministry having a husband of high profile and in a position of power. If you all have an elder board or whoever oversees the Pastor and family, it would be helpful if they could address the matter with this young lady (with you and your husbands permission). She may be doing what is normal to her lifestyle and need support from spiritually mature sister in the church, (accountability). As long as your husband is considering your concerns that is good practice as you minister together. Be Prayerful!

for purpose

2/22/2010 9:13:09 AM (PST)

Re: Re: Crush on my husband

Be prayful and pled the blood of Jesus over your church bind he spirtr of perversion

peace&joy

3/6/2010 1:40:55 PM (PST)

Need your prayers

I wanted to ask each of you to pray for me and my Senior Pastor husband. We have been at our current church for 1 1/2 years. God has really been blessing. However, Satan cannot leave a good thing alone so we are facing trials of finances and discontentment of some of the members. We are growing and some don't like the changes. Please pray for us that God would intervien quickly and we would see the victory and give Him praise.

tflfirstlady

1/20/2010 8:40:15 AM (PST)

Re: Need your prayers

You are being prayed for today. Read Isa 40 as you wait. Verse 29 says, while you wait, He will give strength, He will increase power, He will renew your strength. Wait and see the salvation of the Lord. We don't know how He will move, but we do know that He moves. Stand strong and be of good courage. He might not come when you want Him to, but He is always on time. I will pray for your daily strength and encouragement. God bless you.

Gouda

1/26/2010 3:38:18 PM (PST)

I need Answers

Hi Sisters, my husband started a church just a few years ago. I have faithfully served in various ministries where God has given me a passion and the talent to do so. Here's the problem: The only connection that my husband and I seem to have with one another is thru the ministry. At first, this was a problem for me that I shared with him thru tears, but he hasn't changed so now I've given up. I am so hurt by the way that he communicates with others in the church, but with me he seems to be completely wiped out.
Now it seems as though I am numb, and there are times when I would rather not attend the church that he pastors because my respect for him is not where it should be. In addition to all of this, I don't have any local friends. What should I do?

gottahavepeace

1/11/2010 1:01:22 PM (PST)

Re: I need Answers

I am praying for you my sister. I definitely understand what you are going through and I'm sorry you are going through this. Regardless of what he may or may not be doing it's important you don't let satan get a foothold of your heart by allowing bitterness. I'm not saying you are bitter but if you are numb you may be heading there. There was a time I felt the exact same way and it tore me apart. Continue to pray for him and at the same time seek God first for your own walk and relationship to be strengthened. Communicate with him regarding your marriage and hopefully you both can take a couples retreat and get some quality time together. Billy Graham once shared in an interview that without the marriage/family there is no ministry. God reminded him that he needed to make his family a priority. God can speak to your husband too. If he is feeling burnt out maybe encourage him to slow down and spend more time sitting at the feet of Jesus. He may be exhausted and needs rest. God Bless sis! email me anytime.

If Jesus tells us to pray and love our enemies how much more should we do the same for our spouses?

So here's a proactive suggestion:

Plan a special evening for him to have his favorite meal by candle light and then give him a surprise back or foot rub. It will definitely get his attention.

His amazing grace

1/11/2010 9:04:01 PM (PST)

Re: I need Answers

Sista
I agree with the above reply to you question, but may I also add, having a date night every week or at least twice a month, You could start out planning it if he's to tired to assist in the planning. If you are able include an overnight stay in a local hotel occasionally, or a couples massage, a night at the theater/play. Do some of the things you did during your dating years, maybe with a twist to it(keeping with our Christian faith, don't know if you were saved when you dated, we weren't in Christ). If you can't go out, plan a dinner with a twist to it, break out the china crystal and candles. Read up on massage technics and give him a mini massage (later you can show him how to give you one), if he like sports, surprise him with tickets for the two of you, just giving a few suggestions to get his focus off of other things and onto you two.

wngaines@fuse.net

2/16/2010 3:15:15 PM (PST)

Interviewing for Senior Pastor's (Wife) Position soon

Hello, my husband and I have an interview and preaching weekend scheduled for later this month at a church for the position of Senior Pastor. Although, it is a little unusual I am kind of nervous about this weekend and the interview. I can honestly admit that I do not have very good communication or social skills and while they have gotten tons better over the last years, I have work to do. So I get extremely nervous and then I come across as abrupt and irritated.

Plus, I have never been a Senior Pastor's wife before. My husband has been in Youth Ministry for over 15 years in two churches. At our first church I graduated from our youth ministry and married the youth pastor! So most of our congregation still viewed me as a teen! In our second church it was made pretty clear by the majority of the people that I wasn't a "real" pastors wife and didn't matter much.

So I am hoping that someone that has been in this position before can give me a small idea of some of the questions that may be asked of me during the interview. I realize that all interviews are different but any help will be greatly appreciated! Also prayers are appreciated! Thanks so much.

TLM

P.S. sorry so long! and if it helps or makes any difference the church we are interviewing at is a Baptist Church. and the membership is roughly 150. it is located in more of a small town/rural area

tmonda

12/30/2009 5:39:55 PM (PST)

Re: Interviewing for Senior Pastor's (Wife) Position soon

Hi Sister, you made a very important observation about your communication skills:
That you come off abruptly or irritated.
My advice to you is to strongly apply the word of God as you are communicating. Be slow to speak at all times, smile more and definitely make eye contact with people. Find something positive maybe thru a compliment of some sort about the city or the church building itself just to break the ice/awkard silence. Lastly, go on fast from something that is important to you until after this interview and dedicate more time to prayer.

You'll be O.K

gottahavepeace

1/11/2010 1:08:49 PM (PST)

Re: Re: Interviewing for Senior Pastor's (Wife) Position soon

Very good encouragment!

val~or

2/4/2010 8:07:46 PM (PST)

Armour Bearer

I'm not clear as to what the armour bearer does as it relates to the first lady. Should i have a an armour bearer? This is all new to me so i wanted to learn more about it. Can anyone give me some insight?

Flowing Rivers

12/15/2009 9:48:07 AM (PST)

Re: Armour Bearer

An armour bearer is someone who looks out for you and your well being. They may serve you breakfast, bring you water, help you carry items if your hands are full and travel with you so you won't be alone. They assist you where needed.

It is a very humbling experience. My husband has been the Pastor for four years and I just allowed someone to be my armour bearer. I am a giving person and I can't think of a time in my life when someone was attending to my needs, so I refused to have someone until about 4 months ago.

It is a major adjustment for me, but I know having someone by my side can be very beneficial.

It has to be someone you can trust and who will not share your personal business. When someone is around you that much they are bound to hear something personal or confidential.

SmileyJones

1/5/2010 10:23:35 PM (PST)

Re: Re: Armour Bearer

Godly Armour Bearer to me is someone who covers you with the word and the blood of Jesus Christ. A watch man always on the post . Having deserment . Its not so much about being there for the physical needs but also for the spiritual needs. A Armour Bearer also to me can be a person who is always praying for the person GOD assigned them to . Make sure there is unity love and always about Jesus in the relationship. One I think should have a relationship with their Armour Bearer . Being able to trust them. Well If God sent them then all should go well in season and out of season.

Full of God's Word

1/8/2010 1:45:02 AM (PST)

I'm just too tired

Ok ladies, I'm all for being a submissive and supportive wife. My husband is the senior pastor of a church and we've been there close to 10 years now. I have a desire to move into a new home. I've saved close to 40K as a down payment. I pay my tithes and give. My husband is totally against moving as a result of the economy. My problem is that he just stood in front of the congregation this morning and told them that we need to trust the Lord. Our church went through wonderful improvements and paid cash for them, God is blessing in wonderful ways. My question is, how can he tell the congregation to trust the Lord when it comes to things of the church, but he won't trust the Lord to move and sustain us in a new home? Am I missing something?

cheesecake1

11/29/2009 5:14:16 PM (PST)

Re: I'm just too tired

I really understand what you are talking about. I felt so sad when I read your question, because it is a statement of disappointment as it relates to what you have saved for an anticipated. I encourage you to talk with your husband to get a full understanding of his feelings and this will also give him an opportunity to hear from you as well. This is a tough time in our economy and we do have to trust the Lord during this time, so as you wait for your change to come, it only gives you more time to save more, for probably a bigger house. Because of these economic times that we are in, the value of homes is changing everyday. So even in this time of disappointment, God is going to use it for your good, to provide even more than you can ask or think.

gullotine

11/30/2009 10:08:02 PM (PST)

Re: I'm just too tired

Sister, your not missing anything...yoru husband is worrying about other things...what you should do is keep praying for him...talk to his maker, who knows everything about him; this includes his heart, mind and soul.

After much praying, tell God what you want, need and desire in this man...remember, your a gift to your husband so when you guys are sharing intimate thoughts while laying in your head on the pillor...thats when you share your heart.
He don't think like you as a women, so Remember, there is a proper time and place for women (as the gift of a man) to reach the desires of a mans heart.

models4U

12/3/2009 9:14:44 AM (PST)

Deacons Wife

Just a reminder to the readers of this post stay in constant prayer for Deacons and their wives we some how set the tone of the church in order for us to better help you as Ministers wives and First Ladies we need prayer and support we mmay be where you are one day .........We need prayer to remain encouragers Thanks Post I will encourage others to visit and revisit it, its been a blessing for me today

T GOSS

11/12/2009 5:48:20 PM (PST)

Re: Deacons Wife

You are being prayed for right now. I thank my God for every remembrance of you. We are grateful to all those who the lord sends our way to support the ministry God has called us to. So i want to encourage you to continue the good job that you are doing. it is deeply apprecited and needed. The takes all the gifts in the body being exercised that keeps the church going.
God bless you

gullotine

11/30/2009 10:12:45 PM (PST)

Not alone

i am so encouraged to know that i am not alone in my struggles as being a pastors wife i have been encouraged by the posting that i have read because so many of my question were ansewered by just haveing a mind to pray for my fellow sisters in the lord god is going to help us all to forefill his plan for our lives love you all and i am lifting you up in prayer

davmon

11/7/2009 8:23:06 AM (PST)

What are the duties of a Pastor's Wife?

I'm interested in learning more about what is expected of me as pastor's wife. Any of you have any reccomendations/sites?
Thanks

lappylapia

11/6/2009 11:09:56 AM (PST)

help

How do you deal with a Deacon who hates you. He tells everyone lies about you. My husband is considering excommunicating this deacon because he is planting seeds of discord within the ministry. I have met one on one with him, but the sees of discord still are real.

Gouda

10/8/2009 1:10:48 PM (PST)

Re: help

The word of God tells us in 1 Tim 3:1-2
This is a true saying,If a man desires the office of a bishop,he desireth a good work

2) A Bishop must then be blameless,the husband of one wife,vigilant,sober,((of good BEHAVIOR)),giving to hospitality ,apt to teach it even goes on to say in vs 3) not a brawler . I sugest you pray for this Deacon as well for your Pastor ,but also remember your duty as a Godly women in this same Book of 1st Timothy chapter 2 pleas take the time to read it pray for me as well that I remain in the word of God your sis in Christ T.Goss

T GOSS

11/12/2009 5:40:46 PM (PST)

Help...I have a question

I am overweight-How can i fit exercise into my already busy schedule? How can I make it happen?

gullotine

10/8/2009 12:58:55 PM (PST)

Re: Help...I have a question

Well my sister ... why don't you try changing your eating habits. If exercise isn't easy for you right now. Eat healthier. Exercise alone doesn't make you lose weight. At least it will be a start. Wake up 30 minutes early and walk in place ... or walk up and down your carport. There are ways to do it. I've lost over 70 pounds, not by drugs, but with God and changing my eating habits and exercise. All things are possible. Be blessed!

rocsings

11/4/2009 4:09:47 PM (PST)

Re: Help...I have a question

I'm a fitness trainer and I say, If you can't find the time to get to the gym....your lacking motivation and maybe discipline.

If interested in a motivatioanal aerobics fitness instructor call me at 682-559-8198. We can talk about your fitness needs and how I can help you reach them one step at a time.

thank you and god bless

models4U

11/29/2009 11:46:57 AM (PST)

When He Has Done It All - what now?

My husband and i have been married for 12 yrs. he has quite a few family members at his church and some of them hold key positions in the church. To make a long story short, if your can name it, my husband has done it, from unfaithfulness to children with child support. Fom church members to family members (my family) My sistas, can you belive im still here. He has slowed down a little and i think its because his health is not 100% anymore, its about 65%. yet there are still times he will stay out all nite. I havent had personal relations with him for over 3 yrs, because im concerned with HIV, AIDS, and so many other diseases that out there. I pray for him daily, I pray even harder for him when i know hes not telling me the truth. At this point I just tried, I dont feel anything for him, it seems as if I've lost all respect. WHAT NOW???

mcj63999

9/11/2009 1:59:51 PM (PST)

Re: When He Has Done It All - what now?

After I read your question, I am even more sure that Jesus is real, because only His saving power is able to have kept you, and I want to encourage you by saying that He is still able to keep you from falling. I would highly recommend that you network with some other lady or ladies who can keep you prayed up and encouraged. You can click on this web site on the safe place, and there are women in your area that would be happy to pray and encourage you on an on going basis. Also if you know a counselor in your area, it would be good to spend some time with them. Again on this web site there is a resource guide that gives suggestions of counselors in differents states.

You can be assured that you are in my prayers for His sufficient grace to be yours every day.

Gouda

9/16/2009 7:51:40 PM (PST)

Re: When He Has Done It All - what now?

Gouda

9/16/2009 7:51:42 PM (PST)

What do I do?

What do you do when your mate thinks you should be his servant and not his partner? I have no problem serving him or the ministry or being submissive. I just don't feel valued as a woman with gifts and abilities.

Esther220

9/8/2009 11:25:03 AM (PST)

Re: What do I do?

I would encourage you to spend time sharing with your husband exactly how you feel. It might surprise you that he is not aware of this, and if even he is aware, it is good to remind them of your need to be valued and appreciated. Also share with him the contribution you can make to his life personally and also in the ministry, because of the gifts and skills God has given you.

Gouda

9/16/2009 8:02:32 PM (PST)

Re: What do I do?

Esther. What makes you say that your husband sees you as a servant? What does he do to make you feel like this?

JennyGrace

9/17/2009 12:31:25 PM (PST)

Re: What do I do?

I'm not a pastor's wife but I am a bride of Christ Jesus . Once God do send me my earthly husband my desire is to sow into first ladies and wives with what thus saidth the Lord.Well first I want to say if I may only what you do for Christ shall last. Our serving as unto the Lord should not be in vain. God sees and knowns all. Being a server and submissive wife to your husband and pastor is a great witness to wives and woman who desire to get marry . So don't allow the devil to bring anything to your mind that would hinder your work as a pator's wife. There is no room for the devil in the work God has call for you as the pastor's wife and your husband minstry that God has trusted you with . If I may say your husband and pastor need you to stay focus on Jesus .Ask God to help you do just that stay focus . He will give you strenth.So be encouage. DON'T FAINT IN WELL DOING !!!!!

Full of God's Word

12/31/2009 1:54:24 AM (PST)

Not Accepted

I know God has called me but I serve in a church where the Snr. pastor does not accept me nor respect me as the new Assistant Pastor. An offence always goes up when I open my mouth to talk on certain issues she ignores me and begins praying under her breath. I am getting discouraged and sometimes feel like giving up this position. Please give me some advice.

Bianca21

9/8/2009 7:57:05 AM (PST)

Re: Not Accepted

obviously there is a problem there that needs to be discussed. I would recommend that you set up a meeting or talk over lunch about what might be causing this uncomfortability in ministry. Matt 18 gives some steps for this process as it relates to facing a brother or sister in Christ.

Gouda

9/16/2009 8:06:35 PM (PST)

Familiarity breeding contempt?

This is my first time to post a question. I am so very thankful for this powerful ministry. My husband and I started a new church a couple years ago. One of my hair clients that I have had for four years, came the first service and has been with us ever since leading our worship.

The issue I am seeing arise is she and her husband are very opinionated, very corporate america, and can be very attacking in their delivery in conversation. (Her husband is over our Media Department) Every time we have a Leadership meeting it feels like a "beat down" because they always have an opinion and seem to take over the meeting.

We had a meeting last week and when my husband, the Senior Pastor, was talking...she would not even look at him in the eyes. She kept her head down and it was very obvious she did not agree with what he was saying and it showed all over her face. We have 4 staff people, so you could imagine it stuck out like a soar thumb. When doing her hair a couple of weeks ago, she asked me to keep her accountable...she can be very controlling and attacking and knows this very well. She does have a heart for the Lord and has been a blessing to us...none of our staff/Leadership are paid.

When we started the church she came to me and said her mentor asked her does she see me as a pastor or a friend. She told me to my face I see you as my friend. When other staff/leadership took her and her husband out to eat she told them "she and I are friends and she does not see me as her pastor but we are friends and I tell her everything." I thought this was very strange to just bring up out of nowhere. (Actually I do not tell her anything)

Yesterday I texted her to meet me for some yummy coffee and breakfast so we could discuss an accountability issue...Yikes, did I make a mistake in this invitation or am I on the right path? Should I wear body armor so I don't get another beat down? HA! But seriously I feel this can get out of control real quick if it is not dealt with. In the past 2 months I have had 2 run ins with her, and both times she has apologized for her attacking delivery.
Sincerely,
Pastor's Wife turning UFC Champion :-)

harvestsouls

9/7/2009 5:44:00 AM (PST)

Re: Familiarity breeding contempt?

You are doing the right thing of getting together with this lady to talk. She needs to realize that although you are friends, God has called you and your husband to lead the ministry. Share with her what the vision of the church is, and how much you and your husband needs their support with the vision. You might also want to set up some boundary lines with her, so she understands that there is a differene in being a client of your and a member of the church that God has called you and your husband the give guidance and direction to. I will pray that the Lord will give you peace and clear communication when you do meet. Another approach would be for you and your husband to meet with them as couple to couple.
God bless you as you serve Him

gullotine

9/16/2009 8:24:30 PM (PST)

Have You Read The Husband Project?

I have just started reading a book entitled, "The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man -- on Purpose and with a Plan" by Kathi Lipp. This book is biblically based and I'm excited about getting started with the projects once I get to that point in the book. Has anyone read this book and applied its suggestions? Just curious.

fervently

9/5/2009 11:06:49 AM (PST)

Re: Have You Read The Husband Project?

No I have not read this book. Could you kindly list the 21 points she is making, if that is not asking too much.

Also share when points you have tried, and what kind of results are you seeing, or you getting? I think your sharing with help several of us who visit this ministries message board.

Help! Help!

gullotine

9/16/2009 8:27:56 PM (PST)